I’m Lost Without My Mistress

My mistress and I are kinda estranged now. I really hate when we are on the outs like this. She’s been the only one around for all the craziness that is my life. I’m lost without here. Her name is Graphic Design.

Creatively, I’m in such a blasé mood. Ever since my wife died on September 11th, the roaring fire in my belly for design seems to have been reduced to just some smoldering embers. The funny thing is I received all my design awards during this 10 year period. I’ve also done some of my best work during this time. Now I’m not the greatest designer out there but I do consider myself pretty decent. Prior to my wife’s death I was hell-bent on my rising career path and can admit that I placed my relationship on the back burner. Late hours, business trips and weekends spent at the office were the times I enjoyed most. I was selfishly consumed with being this great designer. The only thing I was achieving was being an arrogant, self-centered prick.

two one way signs facing each otherThat incredibly beautiful, serene fall morning is when I received my wake-up call. When I saw that cavernous black hole in the side of the North Tower I knew I’d never see my wife again. In that moment I realized what I’ve just lost. Inside I was ripped to shreds. All my life I’ve been a strong person helping myself and others through tough times but I was now emotionally, spiritually and physically shredded. How can I stand strong for my young son and myself now? How?

My mistress knew how. My loyal mistress. She knew if I let myself go in the warmth of her bosom, she would help me heal. A week after my wife’s death I went to work even as everyone suggested I take time off. Nope, I needed to get back to work. Design was going to help me refocus, rebuild. And guess what? Design did just that. Her loving embrace helped me to see past my own selfishness. To see past my own ego and just let my work speak for itself. In doing so, I learned that I can have both my mistress and my life without sacrificing one for the other.

But lately I think I’ve been letting her down. Instead of being this beautiful intimate, caring relationship I’ve been viewing it mechanically—just a means to an end. Running a design business is extremely hard and you have to put hats on that your uncomfortable with but must in order to survive. What I’ve done while wearing those hats is I seem to have forgotten the love that has gotten me here. The love of being creative because it’s fun. Because it makes me feel good. Because it’s my greatest expression.

While I’m under new pressures with a new family, I can’t forsake my beloved mistress. I can’t look at her as some tool for me to survive. I can’t use her as some commodity to be traded. She is and will always be intertwined with my heart. My soul.

I must renew my relationship with my mistress or lost I’ll forever be.


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